“The men always take the Rap”

Why are the men always to blame? That was just my first thought as I read the headline “15 signs of a selfish husband.” 

What? Wives can’t be fucking selfish. Like women are “always” fucking supportive? Men don’t deserve to deal with selfish women or having to feel guilty that they are never enough for their wives.

I know men who get the short end of the stick. Our job is not to make you happy. If that is what you're depending on us for then you got some other shit to deal with.

So, I probably won’t touch on all 15 signs. I don’t want to write more than I need to get paid and your attention span is probably too short anyway.

“He wants to be the dominant partner.” 

Hah! There are plenty of domineering women in the world. Most women think if it needs to be done right then they have to do it. There are times men love domineering women. Especially in the bedroom. That’s right! You guys know what I’m talking about. Bam, chick a wow wow!

“He always prioritizes himself.” 

Women definitely don’t know how to do that. What this really means is that men like to be on the go. They always have shit to do. If men want to hang with you on the couch all day and watch the First 48 or whatever then they probably drink wine spritzers or some shit.

“He doesn’t respect you.” 

That shit is a two-way street. In fact, some well-studied people will even tell you that respect is high on the priority list of men's needs. Women hurt men faster with blatant disrespect than just about anything else and they know how to use that to their advantage.

“He doesn’t care about your interests.” 

I have seen plenty of women not care about the man's interests either. Fine by me. The shit we do is way more interesting anyway.

“He shows a lack of understanding and disregard for your feelings.” 

We don’t. On purpose anyway.  We just don’t understand any of that shit. We know women are the same. You don’t understand our feelings. The difference is, men are okay with that. We really don’t give a shit if you understand us or not. Men and women have played different roles in the world. It has made us different. We literally can’t walk in each other's shoes. So, what good does it do to get pissed about it.

“He uses you and treats you like a servant.”  

Don’t make me laugh. The Old Guard is gone.  The sexist norms of the past died a generation ago. Men in the now generation not only keep the yard mowed but they are doing dishes and laundry too. If anything, men will appreciate being used as a servant. Especially in the bedroom. That’s right, bam chick a wow wow.

“He doesn’t care about your needs in bed.” 

This one is easy. BECAUSE YOU DON’T FUCKING TELL US! Men can’t read minds. Is it really that difficult to tell us what you want? By the way, I constantly worry about my woman’s needs. I’ll munch carpet for an hour, thank you very much.

“He constantly criticizes you.” 

I will admit I am guilty of this. But I have cleaned up my act. Let’s get real. Women can’t criticize? I’m sorry, have you seen the movie “Mean Girls” and how absolutely petty they can be. If you run across the movie “Mean Boys” please let the DungJack staff know. We would love to see it. Believe me or don’t, my wife lets me know when I ain’t putting out.

“He doesn’t compliment you.” 

Oh Lord Jesus, have some mercy. I don’t know what it is with women but they constantly have to have sunshine and rainbows blown up their ass. Why do they have such low self-esteem? You are probably going to tell me it's the media's fault. It really doesn’t matter. Why is now the cross to bear for men everywhere to be responsible for women's self-esteem. Are you telling me that marrying someone is not the highest compliment you can give them? Now men have to add that to their daily routine. You are special, you are kind, and by golly people like you.

“He avoids communication with you.” 

Look, I have to set the record straight here. Communicating and talking are two totally separate endeavors. Communicating has the simple goal of sharing needed information that allows you to complete a given task. Example. Honey, I have to work late tonight. I need you to pick up the kids from band practice. Look at that, we communicated. Ladies, here is a secret. You want your man to talk? Do something with him. And I am not talking about watching 48 hours. Men want to be engaged with some fun shit. If you're not gonna fuck us to get us talking then be prepared to get your hands dirty. Guys don’t like talking over coffee. We want to go zip lining. Ax throwing.  Mud bogging. Fishing. Shooting. Take some shit apart and maybe put it back together. You make it too difficult ladies.

“He doesn’t show displays of affection.”

Yes, we do. Mostly in the bedroom, but we do. There are two things wrong with this. Once, again, we can’t read your mind. If you want to hold hands or need a kiss, then fucking tell us. Number two, why in the sam hell can’t women initiate the affection? Why is this always the man's fault? We have too much shit swirling around in our tiny brains already. If the displays of affection ain’t leading to sex then it really is not at the forefront of our minds. Just saying.

Lastly, “He is unaware there are problems in your Marriage.”

Once again, I laugh. Trust me, we know. We mostly know because there is probably a lack of mattress action. A little less bam chick a wow wow time! The thing about men, we tend to take on battles we think we have a chance at winning. Then we realize if we don’t address something then we can’t really lose. I mean we never fought the battle, right? Here’s another little secret ladies. Men have a short memory. And GOD knows we wish you did too. Things don’t linger with men the way they do with women. When the sun goes down the problems we had that day go dark too. Perhaps things would get better if they didn’t have to be “talked” about all the fucking time. Bury the hatchet as the old saying goes. Or my personal favorite, “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

“Parting Words”

Well, that is really all I have to say about that. I am going to skip the part of the article where the author gave twenty-year-old advice to women on how to save the marriage if they chose to stay with an uber selfish husband. Because we all know only a woman can save the marriage and only husbands are selfish.