“What a shit Assignment”

This is not the kind of assignment you beg for or even ask for. It gets foisted upon you. You are voluntold to do it. And not because you are the new kid on the block. Or the low man on the totem pole or you drew the short stick. 

The reality of this assignment is much worse. And something told me I should have lied. I just didn’t know what I was going to win for giving the answer I did. 

Imagine if you will, sitting around the DungJack writing room. Knowing full well we at DungJack write the truth. The sad truth sometimes, but truth nonetheless. So, you are sitting there in a room of so-called writers and the big cheese takes a poll. The lady staff, of which there is only one, is asked to refrain from answering because the question simply does not pertain to her kind. Her kind being female. Because, apparently her kind does not suffer from such an insidious disease. Or more aptly a group. Subgroup really. As there is no definitive number to exactly how many people make up this “group.”

Trust me, fellas, it is not a group you want to belong to. And certainly don’t want to cop to it. Not unless you wish to be ushered from polite society because of the stigma that goes along with this particular group of outcasts. There is near mountainous research that suggests that this “group” is misogynistic, and even terrorist in nature. 

“I Disagree”

So when it was finally my turn to answer the question, I didn’t hesitate. Not really. Although I can’t pinpoint it to the exact day, It has been at least nine months. And with that answer, I won the wonderful assignment of delving into the world of involuntary celibates often termed INCELS.

And isn’t that just the reminder one needs? Your lackluster performance with women has led you to a place where you indulge in porn almost nightly. You scour the far reaches of the internet for the latest and greatest sex toy that feels like the “real” thing. A place where you no longer bother going to bars because frankly, it’s just damn embarrassing. 

You fumble over your words. You lack the ability to keep the conversation going. Your jokes fall flat. You can’t seem to get drunk fast enough. And because it has been six long months filled with nothing but Rosy and her five sisters you wonder if you could even get it up for her. Assuming of course she has enough pity on you to take you home. 

And as I researched, it became clear I had joined a club no self-respecting man ever wants to be a part of. 

“Oh so Cold”

It makes a mess of you. Your psyche. Your self-worth. Ladies, most of you at least, will never understand. I only need to point to one story. Hell, one name really. Helen! The face that launched a thousand ships. Not even a single ship has ever been launched for a man. I will admit ladies you may be frustrated with your choices, but you will always have choices. Hell, the sole reason I got married for the first time was because I thought I had no other choices. This feeling led to a shit marriage that ended for even shittier reasons. I jumped at the first choice which was not my wife. 

Go ahead. Hate me. Whatever.

Don’t you see? Had there been choices, I would not have been married. I would not have cheated. I would not have caused that poor soul so much unneeded anguish. 

Which brings me to the next problem with us so-called INCELS. If you do some research you will find some crazy shit out there. Some people going so far as labeling us as terrorists. Extremists. Calling for a “right” to sex.  I can assure you I am not and don’t. Despite the rhetoric, I would say most are not. Are there some who belong to the “He-Man Woman Haters Club?” Of course. I took some research and data classes in college. There will always be outliers. 

I am not that guy. I don’t hate women. Hell, I was raised by women. Mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunt, sister. 

Ladies, do I resent the fact you can get laid whenever you damn well, please? Fuck yes. But I ain’t coming to hunt you down or force you into sex. 

Which does lead me to my solution. 

“Make Prostitution Legal”

That’s right. I said it. Hate me. I don’t care. Legalize prostitution. There are men all over this country, myself included, that would be so much better off if prostitution were legal. I never would have been married the first go around. I could have concentrated on myself and my dreams. I would not have been so concerned with chasing some gash. 

Yeah, yeah I hear you. You naysayers with the sex trafficking. I am convinced, however, that legalizing prostitution would put a dent in the illegal sex trade and make women safer.  You don’t have to take my word for it, just check out this quick read from the Harvard Civil Liberties Law Review. 

And we men would be so much happier and more accommodating. If we just had sex the night before going on a date with you we could be ourselves. We could be relaxed and focused on getting to know you instead of just trying to screw you. How great would that be? You would know that our intentions were pure and we were not pretending to pay attention just to see how your panties would look on our bedroom floor. 

And you wouldn’t have to worry. In the rare instance that you were trying to impress us we really wouldn’t give a shit. 

“Lastly”

Your first time is special. 

It truly is. 

You are young. 

Naive. 

The world hasn’t shitted on you yet.

Romance is in full bloom. So, be selective. 

It is really not that special. Your snatch that is. As adults, we are made to have fun. So fucking have fun. Be safe, of course. But as adults can’t we just enjoy each other? Do we have to play these silly games like your flower is something to be earned? Seriously. This is not Disney. Get over yourselves. 

Help us pathetic men come out of the shadows. Damn, what a much more peaceful world this would be if we underlings could just get laid. We really do love you. You are spectacular ladies. Yes, there are some shitheads out there that will never appreciate you no matter what you do. 

We are few and far between. Life really is too fucking short. The love we could show each other. The carnal desire of the flesh speaks its own language. 

Treasure that. 

Honor that.

Let’s do away with such a needless group of people. 

Indulge. 

Live life.

Just get laid. 

If I could, I would not have to do what I am about to do. 

Watch more fucking porn.