“Don’t you Hate ‘Em?”

No, not the animal you asshole. The person. Not the person specifically, for being a person. But for a particular trait they inhabit. Look, I like an animal just as well as the next person. Notice I said an animal. As in one. Not as in several. My last relationship had me hating animals at the end of it. 

Two cats.

A dog.

Five bunny rabbits.

And one ugly ass pot belly pig.

They added absolutely nothing to my life.

The cat litter. The cat throw up. The dog piss when they are not properly trained. The pounds of rabbit pellets that had to be shoveled and hauled out of the backyard to a better resting place. And that pig. Goddamn, that son of a bitch. Breakout of his enclosure only to root up what I spent dozens of hours and about fifteen hundred dollars just to have a decent backyard. Fuck! How miserable it was. 

I can’t count the number of times I cleaned up cat puke, but still managed to step in it. Late at night or early in the morning when you are not fully awake. 

And forget spontaneity. Every one of those fuckers is like the perpetual two-year-old that will never grow up. If you want to go out of town you have to bother someone to come over and make sure they have food and water. Let the dog out long enough to take a shit. It’s miserable. And you can’t continue to ask the same person. I sure as hell don’t want my buddies asking me every time they go out of town if I can check on things. Take care of your own shit.

“What good are They?”

Really? What good are they? Sure if you're on a farm, you need a dog to help herd sheep. Maybe you put a cat in the barn to cut down on the mice problem.

And don’t even get me started on the upkeep, the vet bills. God forbid the animal gets sick. Now they need a thousand-dollar surgery. And the “pet” people gladly pay. They will beg, borrow, and even steal to find the money. The same “pet” people that can’t be bothered to spare a dime to help with poverty or research to cure cancer. But they are sure quick to adopt another mother fucking pet. 

And still no answer. What good are they to the average person that lives in a two-hundred-square-foot apartment in New York? Yes, you “pet” person. Does your furry friend complete you? Do you revere them? And worse yet, do you elevate them above other human beings? And let me say there is a special place in hell for those of you that let pets sleep in the bed with you. Especially when you allow it while totally disregarding the objection to it by your so-called partner. I won’t say names here, but you know who you are.

I have no doubt that my ex would save all the animals from our burning house before coming back to find me. And there lies the heartache for a lot of people. Myself included. One time she even pointed out a particular behavior that the cat had that she must have wanted me to emulate, otherwise I don’t think she would have bothered mentioning it. “See, he just comes over to snuggle expecting absolutely nothing in return.” 

Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. That is not how human relationships work. I hope you are much happier now.

“You are one of the Worst” 

Really. A poll was done here in the offices of DungJack. Only one person was on board with the animal train. The rest of us wondered if you are any better than the murderers out there who also seem to have a total disregard for human life. As a single man now, I have seen multiple profiles of people online talking about their animals and the animals just seem to “complete” them. Cue gagging noise now, please. 

Do you really think you are making a difference in this world by saving an animal from the shelter? No, seriously. This is not a rhetorical question. 

Do you watch the news? 

Do you understand what is happening in the world? 

Do you even attempt to comprehend the suffering millions of people are going through on a daily basis? 

But it makes you feel good, right? The whole taking home a pet thing. 

Five hundred and eighty-two thousand.

582,000. 

That is the estimated number of homeless people here in America. Arguably one of the richest countries ever in the history of the world. But we can’t be bothered to make sure everyone has a roof over their head. 

Here is another number.

Eighty-seven million.

87,000,000.

That is the estimated number of households that own at least one pet. What would the world be like if just two or three pet owners joined together to take care of just one homeless person until they could get back on their feet? Let me guess. Do you consider that someone else’s job?

I shudder to even think about the amount of money my ex has spent on those animals through the years. One vet visit for the bunny costing me $200 dollars. That was half a month's groceries for my family at the time. And that just makes me sick.

Live it up pecker heads.

If it makes you feel proud.

If it makes you feel important because you can’t figure out a real way to contribute to humanity. 

More power to you.